Running the Race
I had never felt like a star athlete until the spring of my sophomore year in high school. It took me a while to find where I fit in, where I had talent, and where I could succeed. I played elementary basketball for several years, but I couldn't even get the ball up to the rim until I was in fifth or sixth grade. I also swam on a neighborhood swim team when I was young, but that never amounted to much either. When highschool rolled around, all the girls were trying out for volleyball, soccer, and softball while I concluded that I had no athletic ability whatsoever. But one day, we timed a mile in my P.E. class and I remember my teacher telling me that I should go out for track. Reluctantly, I decided to give myself one more shot at athleticism, and this time it worked. So the spring of my sophomore year became my fifteen minutes of fame. I ran hard, ran long, ran well, and ran successfully. And I loved it! I felt like God had given me a unique gift that I could use for Him in some small way.
By the start of the next school year in the fall of my junior year, people were already talking to me about track. People would tell me, "I bet you are looking forward to the track season this spring!" Or they would ask, "Do you think you'll win state this year?" Even my coach was already brainstorming about my workouts. And I'll admit, I enjoyed the attention. I finally felt like I was good at something, and I really did have high hopes and a strong confidence about the upcoming spring. That is, until I got an eating disorder.
I was diagnosed with an eating disorder the week of the first track team practice. The doctors restricted my exercise so much that there was no way I could run track. The disappointment, discouragement, and anger that I felt were so strong that I'll never forget them. My chest was heavy with the burden of discouragement that week. My anger expressed itself through my determination to gain weight so that I could run track. In my mind, the solution was simple: Eat more, gain fast, and jump back into practice as soon as possible. Because I was a runner, I apporached my situation with the attitude of an athlete. I set a goal, marked out a path, determined the pace, and headed for the finish line. Little did I know how tightly the eating disorder gripped my life. What seemed like a simple task became the most tiring race of my life.
After months of physical struggle to gain weight, I realized that there were more mental issues to deal with than I originally thought. But not only was the battle physical and mental, but emotional and social as well. Emotionally, I was distraught because I had not reached my goal. I imagined myself jumping into ther middle of track season and finish with a bang, but my eating disorder destroyed that hope. Socially, I was left out because all my friends ran track, went to practice after school, and told funny stories about events that happened at the meets. I never went to the meets. And I never talked about track. What had been the glory of my life the year before became the thing that I hated the most.
But the most amazing thing about this story is that it doesn't end on that rather unhappy note. God had a transformation process in store for me, and it began when I read Psalm 119 in my Bible one day. Verses 31 and 32 say this:
I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.
In that moment, God revealed to me that my days of running were not over - they were just beginning! In my eating disorder, I had been trying to set my pace so that I could accomplish my goal in my way. But God had something so much bigger in mind! (His purposes are always greater than our own!) He wanted me to trust His timing and run at His pace toward a different goal. I may have been preoccupied with getting back onto the track team, but He had spiritual growth on His agenda. Now, looking back on my battle with an eating disorder, I am grateful that I had to sit out on that track season. Instead of running around a football field, I got to run hand in hand with the Lord as He showed me what it really means to live a life of surrender and dependency on Him. I trained to "run in the path of His commands." Giving up track enable me to put God first in my life, and I grew closer to Him because of my eating disorder. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
So you've heard a little piece of my story, but what about yours? What does God have in store for you? You may not see it right now, but God has a purpose for you in this season of your life. What He can and will do in your life might not be what you are expecting (it wasn't for me!) but it will be good. I don't believe that God gave you an eating disorder to punish you or teach you a lesson or anything like that, but I know for sure that God can use your eating disorder to draw you closer to His heart. So tie your shoes, stretch your muscles, and hydrate yourself with the Word of God. Fix your eyes on the goal, which is knowing Jesus Christ, and follow God's pace as you "run in the path of His commands." You are entering into a race that will rock your world and change your life!
By the start of the next school year in the fall of my junior year, people were already talking to me about track. People would tell me, "I bet you are looking forward to the track season this spring!" Or they would ask, "Do you think you'll win state this year?" Even my coach was already brainstorming about my workouts. And I'll admit, I enjoyed the attention. I finally felt like I was good at something, and I really did have high hopes and a strong confidence about the upcoming spring. That is, until I got an eating disorder.
I was diagnosed with an eating disorder the week of the first track team practice. The doctors restricted my exercise so much that there was no way I could run track. The disappointment, discouragement, and anger that I felt were so strong that I'll never forget them. My chest was heavy with the burden of discouragement that week. My anger expressed itself through my determination to gain weight so that I could run track. In my mind, the solution was simple: Eat more, gain fast, and jump back into practice as soon as possible. Because I was a runner, I apporached my situation with the attitude of an athlete. I set a goal, marked out a path, determined the pace, and headed for the finish line. Little did I know how tightly the eating disorder gripped my life. What seemed like a simple task became the most tiring race of my life.
After months of physical struggle to gain weight, I realized that there were more mental issues to deal with than I originally thought. But not only was the battle physical and mental, but emotional and social as well. Emotionally, I was distraught because I had not reached my goal. I imagined myself jumping into ther middle of track season and finish with a bang, but my eating disorder destroyed that hope. Socially, I was left out because all my friends ran track, went to practice after school, and told funny stories about events that happened at the meets. I never went to the meets. And I never talked about track. What had been the glory of my life the year before became the thing that I hated the most.
But the most amazing thing about this story is that it doesn't end on that rather unhappy note. God had a transformation process in store for me, and it began when I read Psalm 119 in my Bible one day. Verses 31 and 32 say this:
I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.
In that moment, God revealed to me that my days of running were not over - they were just beginning! In my eating disorder, I had been trying to set my pace so that I could accomplish my goal in my way. But God had something so much bigger in mind! (His purposes are always greater than our own!) He wanted me to trust His timing and run at His pace toward a different goal. I may have been preoccupied with getting back onto the track team, but He had spiritual growth on His agenda. Now, looking back on my battle with an eating disorder, I am grateful that I had to sit out on that track season. Instead of running around a football field, I got to run hand in hand with the Lord as He showed me what it really means to live a life of surrender and dependency on Him. I trained to "run in the path of His commands." Giving up track enable me to put God first in my life, and I grew closer to Him because of my eating disorder. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
So you've heard a little piece of my story, but what about yours? What does God have in store for you? You may not see it right now, but God has a purpose for you in this season of your life. What He can and will do in your life might not be what you are expecting (it wasn't for me!) but it will be good. I don't believe that God gave you an eating disorder to punish you or teach you a lesson or anything like that, but I know for sure that God can use your eating disorder to draw you closer to His heart. So tie your shoes, stretch your muscles, and hydrate yourself with the Word of God. Fix your eyes on the goal, which is knowing Jesus Christ, and follow God's pace as you "run in the path of His commands." You are entering into a race that will rock your world and change your life!
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