Control Freak
I have to admit that I've always been a little bit of a control freak. Okay, maybe that's an understatement. I've been a lot of a control freak. One of my personality weaknesses is that I want to have my life organized and ordered in just the way that I think is best. My friends and family tease me (in a playful way) about how organized my living space is. But the truth is, the way I organize my closet, my calendar, and my bathroom drawers is a pretty accurate reflection of how I want my life to be - everything has its designated place and appointed use.
When an eating disorder struck my life, everything got messed up. Suddenly, my life was very disorganized because I no longer had everything under control. I'm the kind of person who needs certainty in life, but an eating disorder made everything so complicated, confusing, and uncertain. Do you know what I'm talking about? The emotions, the thoughts, the attitudes that come with an eating disorder are difficult to understand and hard to master. I used to control my thoughts, but with an eating disorder, I felt like I couldn't control the ones about food and weight. I used to have all my emotions in check and balance, but I found myself bombarded with emotions that I usually didn't experience, like anger and hopelessness.
I hope you can relate to what I was feeling during the first few months after I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Most of all, I wanted certainty in my life. I wanted control over my circumstances. I used to place my certainty in my own ability to control my life. When everything was going the way I thought it needed to be going, I was certain that everything would be alright. But as soon as I lost control, I became uncertain of my own self-sufficiency. When you are a control freak, uncertainty is a terrible feeling.
As I look back on those first few moonths and all the stress and uncertainty I felt, I realize that God had such a bigger plan through it all. You see, He wanted to teach me that He is in control, not me. He wanted to show me that I need to place my certainty in Him, not in myself. Through my moments of confusion and helplessness, He revealed to me that He is the one who is sufficient, not me. It's not about me being able to take care of myself and control my life. It's about me trusting Him to take care of me and be in the driver's seat of my heart. It's about surrender!
If you are in that place of uncertainty, struggle, or stress, I want you to know that I understand because I've been there. No matter what you are going through, you can know with certainty these things:
1. You are not abandoned.
Never forget that God is near to you when you call on Him! "The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth." (Psalm 145:18) If there is one thing you can know for certain, it is that God has not abandoned you! He promises over and over again to be with you all the time, and an eating disorder does not change that!
2. You are not forgotten .
God has a plan for you! Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Although it may be hard to see that plan right now, it brings such peace and certainty to know that God has everything worked out for you!
3. You are not punished.
Sometimes it is easy to feel like you must have done something wrong to be experiencing such pain. Don't blame yourself or place burdens of guilt on your back. You are not being punished; you are in the process of being rescued by the Lord!
4. You are not alone.
I know it may feel like you are all alone in your battles, but please know that God is working around you. It may not be in the way that you expect, but He is working to accomplish a purpose in you during this season of your life!
That last statement is especially meaningful and comforting to me, so I want to write more about it in the next post. Until then, place your certainty in the God who loves you, stands with you, and has a perfect plan for you. When everyhting spins out of control, He holds you and balances you with great strength and love.
When an eating disorder struck my life, everything got messed up. Suddenly, my life was very disorganized because I no longer had everything under control. I'm the kind of person who needs certainty in life, but an eating disorder made everything so complicated, confusing, and uncertain. Do you know what I'm talking about? The emotions, the thoughts, the attitudes that come with an eating disorder are difficult to understand and hard to master. I used to control my thoughts, but with an eating disorder, I felt like I couldn't control the ones about food and weight. I used to have all my emotions in check and balance, but I found myself bombarded with emotions that I usually didn't experience, like anger and hopelessness.
I hope you can relate to what I was feeling during the first few months after I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Most of all, I wanted certainty in my life. I wanted control over my circumstances. I used to place my certainty in my own ability to control my life. When everything was going the way I thought it needed to be going, I was certain that everything would be alright. But as soon as I lost control, I became uncertain of my own self-sufficiency. When you are a control freak, uncertainty is a terrible feeling.
As I look back on those first few moonths and all the stress and uncertainty I felt, I realize that God had such a bigger plan through it all. You see, He wanted to teach me that He is in control, not me. He wanted to show me that I need to place my certainty in Him, not in myself. Through my moments of confusion and helplessness, He revealed to me that He is the one who is sufficient, not me. It's not about me being able to take care of myself and control my life. It's about me trusting Him to take care of me and be in the driver's seat of my heart. It's about surrender!
If you are in that place of uncertainty, struggle, or stress, I want you to know that I understand because I've been there. No matter what you are going through, you can know with certainty these things:
1. You are not abandoned.
Never forget that God is near to you when you call on Him! "The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth." (Psalm 145:18) If there is one thing you can know for certain, it is that God has not abandoned you! He promises over and over again to be with you all the time, and an eating disorder does not change that!
2. You are not forgotten .
God has a plan for you! Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Although it may be hard to see that plan right now, it brings such peace and certainty to know that God has everything worked out for you!
3. You are not punished.
Sometimes it is easy to feel like you must have done something wrong to be experiencing such pain. Don't blame yourself or place burdens of guilt on your back. You are not being punished; you are in the process of being rescued by the Lord!
4. You are not alone.
I know it may feel like you are all alone in your battles, but please know that God is working around you. It may not be in the way that you expect, but He is working to accomplish a purpose in you during this season of your life!
That last statement is especially meaningful and comforting to me, so I want to write more about it in the next post. Until then, place your certainty in the God who loves you, stands with you, and has a perfect plan for you. When everyhting spins out of control, He holds you and balances you with great strength and love.
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