Together We Can: Finding Balance
I did not expect the syllabus to make me cry, but there I was, sitting in my professor's office and going over the class syllabus with her when she looked at me and noticed. "You're not okay. You have a lot going on. I can see it in your eyes." I had not even felt like crying at all, but when she looked at me in the face and took the time to see me and speak aloud the truth of how I was feeling, the tears started to come without my allowance.
I have to be honest; I think I had a faith crisis today. The workload of senior semester nursing school, trying to plan a trip to Africa, and promote my recently published book combined created a heavy burden. Just when I thought I had figured out how to balance everything, one more shovel of something was added to the load, tripping me up all over again.
But that is not really why the tears fell. The tears came because I was trying to balance everything alone. I was unclear on all my upcoming nursing assignments, and I felt like I was trying to figure them out by myself. At the same time, I was trying to plan a trip to Africa this summer, including finding a travel agent, getting the best plane ticket prices, applying for visas, budgeting the trip, and finding a sponsoring church. Usually, a trip leader or someone else did that for me, but this time, I felt like I was doing it alone. Yesterday in clinical, my nurse was extremely busy and my clinical instructor was helping other students most of the day, so I worked in the ICU for the first time...and felt very alone. On top of all that, I was trying to contact about thirty different people regarding marketing opportunities for my book. No one could really do that for me, so once again, I felt like I was working alone.
And so when my teacher looked into my eyes, she said, "You're not okay". And all the assignments and papers mixed with a lack of sleep and a sense of loneliness rolled out as one big, salty tear.
I am so thankful for the kind words of my professor as she assured me that faith would pull me through. Her gentle encouragement dried my tears, and I decided it was prime time to finally take my mess to the Lord.
As I walked back to the dorm, I remembered my very first semester of nursing school. It was a day very much like this one during the second week of school. I was walking back to the dorm when I told God that I was in over my head and ready to give up. I didn't want to do nursing school anymore. "I can't do it," I told Him out loud.
You are right, you can't. I remember Him responding this way because I did not expect it. But together, we can.
Three semesters later on a similar afternoon as I walked back to the dorm, I told God the same thing. "I don't think I can do this." And He gently reminded me, You are right, you can't. But together we can. Suddenly, I did not feel so alone. And I wondered why I ever had in the first place.
And He put a song in my heart titled "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship.
On the way home from Bible study, I drove by myself and wept because of overwhelming guilt and wonder. I felt so guilty about doubting God and attempting to balance everything on my own. I felt guilty that it took a meltdown for me to remember who God is. But the guilt only lasted a moment - thanks to the precious blood of Jesus that wipes it away with love - and was replaced by an overwhelming wonder at how amazing it is that God's Spirit lives inside us, giving us access to God, enabling us to overcome, and providing stability when faith-shaking winds blow. And oh, how it amazes me that God doesn't treat me like I deserve...or I would have been given up on a long time ago.
It takes something like this every semester for me to get totally stressed out and then totally re-surrender everything to Him. I am learning; He is patient. And there is no greater freedom than running back into His arms.
Thank you for bearing with the personal nature of this post. I don't write this to make you feel sorry for me. Looking back, I see how ridiculous it is to think that assignments and papers and travel agents and book signings are the end of the world. I needed a renewed perspective. But maybe there is someone out there who feels something like this. You are crumbling beneath a heavy load that you cannot balance, you are about to break, and you feel alone.
Please hear God whispering, You can't do this alone, but together we can. The secret to finding balance is to enter the throne room of God, drop everything you carry in the aisle, and run into God's wide-open arms of love. He will welcome you, and then ask you to gather the things that you dropped and bring them to Him. Then, He will ask you if He can hold onto them for you, and you will agree. As the right time comes, He will hand you each item - one at a time - and help you decide what to do with each one.
"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
I have to be honest; I think I had a faith crisis today. The workload of senior semester nursing school, trying to plan a trip to Africa, and promote my recently published book combined created a heavy burden. Just when I thought I had figured out how to balance everything, one more shovel of something was added to the load, tripping me up all over again.
But that is not really why the tears fell. The tears came because I was trying to balance everything alone. I was unclear on all my upcoming nursing assignments, and I felt like I was trying to figure them out by myself. At the same time, I was trying to plan a trip to Africa this summer, including finding a travel agent, getting the best plane ticket prices, applying for visas, budgeting the trip, and finding a sponsoring church. Usually, a trip leader or someone else did that for me, but this time, I felt like I was doing it alone. Yesterday in clinical, my nurse was extremely busy and my clinical instructor was helping other students most of the day, so I worked in the ICU for the first time...and felt very alone. On top of all that, I was trying to contact about thirty different people regarding marketing opportunities for my book. No one could really do that for me, so once again, I felt like I was working alone.
And so when my teacher looked into my eyes, she said, "You're not okay". And all the assignments and papers mixed with a lack of sleep and a sense of loneliness rolled out as one big, salty tear.
I am so thankful for the kind words of my professor as she assured me that faith would pull me through. Her gentle encouragement dried my tears, and I decided it was prime time to finally take my mess to the Lord.
As I walked back to the dorm, I remembered my very first semester of nursing school. It was a day very much like this one during the second week of school. I was walking back to the dorm when I told God that I was in over my head and ready to give up. I didn't want to do nursing school anymore. "I can't do it," I told Him out loud.
You are right, you can't. I remember Him responding this way because I did not expect it. But together, we can.
Three semesters later on a similar afternoon as I walked back to the dorm, I told God the same thing. "I don't think I can do this." And He gently reminded me, You are right, you can't. But together we can. Suddenly, I did not feel so alone. And I wondered why I ever had in the first place.
And He put a song in my heart titled "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship.
I need you to soften my heartLater that night at Bible study, we discussed 1 John 4:4, and I knew why I was there. Our leader commented that you probably won't really get the true weight of this verse until you reach a breaking point.
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that you're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."I had reached that point of breaking, of crumbling beneath the load. I desperately needed the reminder that God's Spirit within us empowers us to overcome, for He is so much greater than anything the world can throw at us. We can walk in confidence, knowing that no matter what comes against us, we cannot be shaken. That's how big our God is, and it blows my mind.
On the way home from Bible study, I drove by myself and wept because of overwhelming guilt and wonder. I felt so guilty about doubting God and attempting to balance everything on my own. I felt guilty that it took a meltdown for me to remember who God is. But the guilt only lasted a moment - thanks to the precious blood of Jesus that wipes it away with love - and was replaced by an overwhelming wonder at how amazing it is that God's Spirit lives inside us, giving us access to God, enabling us to overcome, and providing stability when faith-shaking winds blow. And oh, how it amazes me that God doesn't treat me like I deserve...or I would have been given up on a long time ago.
It takes something like this every semester for me to get totally stressed out and then totally re-surrender everything to Him. I am learning; He is patient. And there is no greater freedom than running back into His arms.
Thank you for bearing with the personal nature of this post. I don't write this to make you feel sorry for me. Looking back, I see how ridiculous it is to think that assignments and papers and travel agents and book signings are the end of the world. I needed a renewed perspective. But maybe there is someone out there who feels something like this. You are crumbling beneath a heavy load that you cannot balance, you are about to break, and you feel alone.
Please hear God whispering, You can't do this alone, but together we can. The secret to finding balance is to enter the throne room of God, drop everything you carry in the aisle, and run into God's wide-open arms of love. He will welcome you, and then ask you to gather the things that you dropped and bring them to Him. Then, He will ask you if He can hold onto them for you, and you will agree. As the right time comes, He will hand you each item - one at a time - and help you decide what to do with each one.
"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
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