Knowing Nothing

This should not come as a shocker to anyone, but just because I graduated from nursing school does not mean I know everything about being a nurse. In fact, quite the opposite is true. I am spending at least 12 weeks in orientation in the hospital for the very purpose of learning how to be a better labor and delivery nurse. Many days, I get into situations where I do not know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I know absolutely nothing, which is really not a pleasant or comfortable feeling.

Most days on the way to work, I pray and ask God for strength to absorb what I am learning and the ability to remember and apply it in future situations. On the way home from work, I usually pray again, this time explaining to Him what I learned in hopes that speaking it aloud will help me remember and process the information.

I remember one day last week in particular when I felt especially slow and stupid. Looking back, I was probably too hard on myself, but at the time I felt like I should have been more on top of things than I was. I felt like I should have been further along, more knowledgeable, and more fluid in the clinical setting and in regard to what was going on with my patient. I had made a few mistakes in my charting, kept forgetting things, and felt very flustered and unorganized.

At the end of the day, I grabbed my lunchbox and purse in a hurry because I was ready to leave, relax, and regroup after a stressful day. Before I left, I popped my head in my patient's room and said goodbye. I almost felt like I should apologize to her for being a frazzled, new nurse. But before I could say anything more, she looked at me with a huge smile and said, "Thank you so much for a great day. You have been absolutely wonderful!"

I was totally taken off guard, and I hardly knew what to say. But it was like my eyes were suddenly open and I saw her there, with her healthy newborn baby in her arms and her husband at her side. They did not know how long it took me to chart or how many times I asked my nurse preceptor questions. They didn't know that I had trouble getting medications out of the Pyxis machine or that I sounded like an idiot when I talked to the doctor on the phone. All they knew was that they had experienced a miracle - the birth of their newborn baby - and I got to be a part of that.

I learned something that day: I don't have to know everything to be a good nurse. The most important thing is knowing how to care and show compassion. Knowing how to love with your heart is more meaningful than a head full of knowledge. Love makes all the difference in the world.

Not too long after that day, I came across 1 Corinthians 2:2 where Paul says, "I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified."

And so I have begun to change my prayer habits in the morning on the way to work. I still pray for strength to learn new things, remember and apply them, but I have also added this to the end of every prayer:

Lord, I have decided to know nothing except you and Christ crucified.

It was hard at first to even let those words out of my mouth: to know nothing. But Lord, I want to know at least something! I don't want to relive the embarrassing moments of being the newbie who doesn't know anything. And I believe the Lord hears those prayers and helps me gain the knowledge that I need to be a brilliant nurse. To me, this simple prayer - "to know nothing except Christ crucified" - means something different. It means that the most important thing is being there for a patient to show love and compassion. It is a way of saying, Lord, nothing matters today if I don't share your love and the message of the gospel, whether in actions only or with my words, too.