Beautiful Dependency

This week I have discovered that nursing school is so much more than studying pathophysiology and learning how to give care. Sometimes, nursing school does more than scratch the surface of knowledge; it draws deep into the well of personal emotion and understanding.

With a class in gerontology and a clinical rotation in chronic illness, this semester has forced me to face difficult emotions. Topics such as "end of life care", "hospice", and "aging" have brought forth some thoughts that have not been easy to deal with. But then, actually caring for patients who are experiencing those things has brought it all to life in ways that I cannot express in words. Yet I will do my best.

I have asked myself questions that I have never asked honestly before. What are my perceptions of growing old? Why are there chronic and terminal illnesses? Why do we have to go through physical deterioration, and why to some go through mental deterioration? What is the meaning of all that? What is the value of a person throughout life and does it change in the end of life stage?

I used to hate the thought of losing my independence in old age. I used to think I might possibly be okay with a physical disability (at least I could learn to manage), but what would happen to me if I began to lose my mental capabilities? I used to wonder what my purpose and value would be if I could no longer feed myself, bathe myself, or even speak for myself.

But then I actually started caring for people who are facing those exact things. Up close and personal. And everything changed.

As I served these beloved children of God in their old age, I looked into their eyes and saw a surprising picture. It was not a picture that I could have come up with by thinking on my own, but a vision that I know came from the Lord. In a sudden moment, I peered through the eyes of God and saw something I was not expecting to see. I saw myself. In the faces of those total-care patients, I saw me. Not a me when I grow old, but a me right here, right now.

For I am totally and completely dependent on God. I am entirely helpless before him. I need him to care for me in the most personal and intimate way. Really, I can do nothing on my own, and I come to him every moment of every day and call on him. Sometimes I need the most basic care, but others times I just need someone to listen to me and call me sweet, special, and lovely. I need someone to confirm to me that I am noticeable, that I am worth something. In his grace, he gives me his undivided attention and tender care. He pours out his love day after day and never grows tired of doing it.

I am completely dependent on him, and he loves me endlessly.

As I served my elderly patients, tears welled in my eyes as I began to see them the way God sees them, which is the same way that he sees me - dependent, needy, and seemingly helpless, but infinitely valuable and worthy of perfect love.

In his eyes, all his children are beautiful. We are precious and valuable, not because of what we can do but because of who we are - we are sons and daughters created in the image of God, bearing his unique fingerprints. Jesus considers us a treasure worth giving his very life for.

What an honor to be the dependent one. What a glory to know God as my caregiver, the Able One. I now understand what it is truly like to live in complete dependency, and I want to spend the rest of my life doing it.