Trust Training

It is hard to believe that I arrived in Burkina Faso a week ago. The time has flown by, and it seems like a lot has happened in just one week. I have settled into my little house, received a tour of my new town, and taken my new car out for a few spins. I have visited a village church, attended a team meeting with all our of national team members here, and spent quite a bit of time with African friends on the front porch as they daily come for visits. I have eaten many a mango already, and I have also learned quite a few french words. 

I must also report that this week saw the capture of our unwanted house guest, the little brown mouse, whose position was given away by London's scream from the kitchen late one night. The dogs were let in, and within a few minutes, Revelie was parading out the front door with a long tail hanging out of her mouth. Problem solved. Just in case you were wondering.

Even though it seems that a lot has happened this week, it has also been a somewhat slow, restful week. In fact, for those looking in from the outside, it may appear that not much has happened this week at all. It is what has happened on the inside though that really matters, and that has been quite significant. God has been doing a great work in my heart. 

When I first arrived, my heart was overwhelmed. I literally felt butterflies in my stomach like I was about to perform on a stage before a large audience and suddenly forgot my lines. I feared that I would never fit in here, that I would never learn the language, that I would not really be able to help people as a missionary nurse. Behind all these was my real fear - a fear that my hopes and dreams would not come true because of my own inadequacy. A fear that I would fail. 

And then my eyes were opened and I could see where my focus was fixed. 

On myself. 

In a moment, in a flash, I turned my eyes back on Jesus. He is the capable one. He is the able one. He is the faithful one, the strong one. He is the healer, the savior. Not me. My competency comes from him. He has brought me here where feet may fail, but he has never failed, and he won't start now. His promises are true. He is the one doing the work here, and I am simply a servant at the command of his word. He is in control, and I am following his lead. 

In that instant, it was like a light switched turned on, and the darkness - the fear, the anxiety, the butterflies in my stomach - all of it was suddenly gone. Immediately. I couldn't believe how fast it all fled at the presence of Jesus. 

It reminds me of Peter when he walked on the water. When his eyes were on Jesus, he stood firm. As soon as he took his eyes off Jesus, he sank. 

I am becoming so very familiar with that feeling. The feeling of sinking, the butterflies in my stomach that I get when I am doubting. This is not the first time I have doubted or even asked those very same questions. It is not the first time that I have misplaced my eyes on myself and then had to turn them back on Jesus.

At the same time, I am also becoming very familiar with the feeling of trust. I am learning to trust Jesus like never before, and I am becoming familiar with that feeling of light and joy and peace that come only when I am trusting in the Lord. 

The work that the Lord has done in my heart this week is this: I am becoming keenly aware of the battle that rages between faith and doubt, between self-reliance and complete surrender. I am learning to quickly recognize when I am doubting, and then quickly turn it around to faithful trusting. 

It is almost like playing a video game. My family owns the original Nintendo game - you know, the one with duck hunt, Mario brothers, and the little gray rectangular controllers. When you reach the castle level, you have to face a Bowser at the very end. The first few times I played, I could never beat the Bowser. I had to play the level over and over again until I learned when he was coming, how he jumped and threw his fireballs, and what I had to do to get around him. Eventually I beat him, but it took all my focus and effort. Over time, the more I practiced, the more familiar I became with his tactics, and the easier it became to defeat him. Now, I can jump over him quickly and effortlessly. 

It's the same with our enemy, Satan, the one who puts fear and doubt in our hearts. To defeat him, we must practice our faith. At first, the process is slow, tedious, and requires every bit of our strength and mind power. But with practice, we learn his techniques and tactics, and it becomes natural, easy, and effortless to jump right over him and keep on going. 

Or think about it in nursing terms. The first time you see a new case of a disease you have never experienced or heard of, it takes a lot of time, research, and critical thinking to assess the situation, accurately make a diagnosis, and plan your interventions. Over time, the more of those cases that you see, the more familiar you become with the signs and symptoms. Before you know it, you can diagnose the situation as soon as you walk in the door, and you know exactly what to do to treat it. 

That is what God is teaching me to do with my doubt. He is training me to know what it feels like, recognize the signs and symptoms early, and nip it in the bud. It takes work at first, but it's getting easier and easier with all this practice I am getting! 

Maybe you, too, are struggling with reoccurring doubts or sins. Maybe you, too, get discouraged and think why can't I just get over this? Why is surrender so hard? Take heart and know that your faith is being put into practice. Your eyes are being trained to focus on Jesus instead of yourself. With every situation, with every temptation, keep practicing. With time and practice, the transition from darkness to light, from fear to faith, from failure to surrender, will get easier and faster. 

The Lord is training us to trust him. 

As you can see, this week has been a big week. Much preparation has been done on the very foundations of my heart, and these reconstructions were so very necessary before I begin these next stages - first full time language learning in Ouagadougou followed by full time ministry in the village. Now I feel so different from when I first arrived. No more butterflies, only excitement. No more doubt, only anticipation. This excitement, motivation, and  expectation that I feel for the future must come from the Lord. There is no other explanation. 

I am sure that I will get overwhelmed again. I will probably ask the same questions and face the same doubts. The enemy knows to attack me in my weak spot, and he knows that's it. But I am also learning his tactics. I am beginning to recognize the earliest signs and symptoms of my doubt, and I am becoming familiar with how to flip on the light switch as soon as it happens and so scatter the darknes with the presence of Jesus. 

Thank you, Jesus, for being so patient with us. Thank you for training us to trust you. You are so, so trustworthy. You take us out on waters where feet may fail, but you never fail. You are there to catch us when we sink. Whenever we turn our eyes back on you, your gaze meet ours, and we realize that your loving eyes never wandered from us.