Ready, Steady

10 days! 

The countdown in on, and the packing has officially begun. 

My to-do list that I began four months ago is now a bunch of thick black lines through crossed-off items. According to logistics, I am ready. I have all my paperwork and documentation. My finances are set and my debit cards are ready to work internationally. After three visits to the doctor, four phone calls to their office, and about twenty calls to the mail order pharmacy, I think I finally have a year's supply of malaria prophylaxis coming in the mail. (Because nothing is ever easy...) I have my chacos and my sunscreen and a big ole container of Tang. Yes, I think I am finally ready. 

And my heart cries the same.

My poor little heart has survived a long period of preparation and waiting, and with that comes many intense emotions. I have shed a few tears. Faced many fears. Felt a deeper assurance. Bounced off the walls with excitement. Unable to fall asleep at night. Grieved. Appreciated. Surrendered. 

Surrendered again. 

And again. 

My heart has rolled back and forth between absolute confidence and definite uncertainty. I bounce between extraordinary excitement and the fear of separation. I see that my dreams are finally coming true, but there is sacrifice that comes along with it. And I am learning that these are necessary emotions. I am not guilty or embarrassed to share them with you. These emotions have brought me to the feet of my Father, where he has addressed all my doubts, conquered all my fears, caught all my tears, and reminded me of all his promises. 

Just yesterday, though, I felt a breakthrough. In my small group, when my friends asked me how they could be praying for me, I asked for a steady heart. My poor little heart is tired of bouncing back and forth. And so that's what they prayed for, and when I got in bed to go to sleep last night, I felt the change. Even as I prayed, something was different. 

My heart was steady. 

I heard the Lord saying to me, It is time to stop grieving and start getting excited. It is time to stop "being realistic" about how hard it will be and start anticipating how awesome it will be. It is time to stop thinking about what you will miss and start thinking about what you will gain. It is time to stop thinking about what you will lose and start thinking about what you will come to love. 

In that moment, I felt that my heart was NOW finally ready. 

It's like trying to jump into a pool of water that you know is so cold, or like jumping off a cliff with only a bungee cord, or like jumping out of an airplane with just a parachute. The longer you wait, the more you can talk yourself out of doing it. You just have to jump.

These past few months have been like that I think. My toes have been curled over the edge, my harness has been buckled, and my hand is on the parachute pull chord. But there's that little voice in the back of your mind that plants fears and doubts (that's the enemy, people). It's time for me to stop thinking about it and just go for it.  

I have spent the last few months sorting through all those crazy things you think and feel when you leave everything familiar behind and move to a foreign country a thousand miles away for the sake of your heart's greatest treasure. But NOW, I have been prayed over by my brothers and sisters in Christ, and he has heard and answered their prayer for a steady heart. I have been commissioned by two of my sending churches. My feet have been washed. Hands have been laid on me. Blessings have been spoken over me. I am surrounded and surrendered. 

My heart is steady, so now my heart is ready. 

My steady, ready heart wrote this prayer, which I share with you so that you also may be praying for me in this way. 

Throw open wide my heart

That I may love you and your people with all that I am

Throw open wide my eyes

That I may see you and your power and glory like never before

Throw open wide my ears

That I may hear the stirrings and commands of your spirit 

Throw open wide my mind

That I may know you and your ways outside the context of what is familiar to me

Throw open wide my mouth

That I may boldly proclaim your gospel

Throw open wide my hands

That I may receive all you have to give 

And give as freely as you have given to me

Throw open wide my heart

That I may know you more intimately

Worship you more deeply

And imitate you more faithfully 

It's time to jump! Only this time instead of jumping out of a plane, I am jumping onto one. Instead of going alone, I am going with an army of angels and believers with God himself holding my hand. Instead of being unsettled and anxious, I have a steady, ready heart.