In Everything
I popped my gloves off, threw them in the trash, and backed
up against the wall. I let the other three nursing students who were helping
with the dressing change take over my job as I stepped away. I normally try to
hold it all in, to be strong. But this time as the tears filled my eyes, I just
let them. I did not even try to keep it
in because I wanted to break. I wanted to feel it.
When we had wheeled Ezekiel to the minor theatre a few
minutes ago for this dressing change, I expected it to be a difficult
procedure. I could tell by the way he smelled of infection. However, as we unrolled his bandages and cut
away the gauze, I so badly wanted to see that his burns were getting better.
They weren’t.
We did the best we could to cut away the dead tissue and rub
ointment over the wounds. Deep down I knew that if these burns don’t heal, the
infection will spread to his entire body and he will die. We sang “Jesus loves you” over the table as
we worked.
That wasn’t the only heartbreaking thing I saw today. I
watched a woman hold her loved one’s hand. We knew he is dying, and I could
tell by the way she clutched his hand that she knew, too. But there was nothing
else we can do.
A man got a splint today for his fractured forearm. But
because we didn’t have the right equipment, the fracture won’t heal properly.
His arm will function, but it won’t really work the same way ever again.
But at the same time, I experienced a handful of joyful
moments today. Bubbles and bracelets bringing smiles to the faces of children
who we have not seen smile yet. Starting
a successful IV. Discharging patients to their homes because they were well.
Patients thanking us over and over again. Praying with patients. Wiping tears
from eyes. Calming rapid breathing with a song and a prayer.
I didn’t know how to feel at the end of the day. Half of my
heart wanted to crumble while half wanted to jump for joy. As I was processing
through everything with the Lord, I tried to weigh the pros and cons. I tried to focus on only the good things and
forget about the bad ones. But the Lord interrupted me.
That’s not how it
works, Ashli. I am in everything. Everything means the pleasures and the pain.
If you focus on only the healing and not the hardship, you are missing half of
the picture. You think I am only present when there is joy, but I do not leave
in the moments of heartache. I am right in the middle of that, too. Remember my suffering, and know that I am familiar with pain so much so that I cannot
stand to abandon my children in the middle of it. In fact, you may see me most
clearly in the suffering.
So don’t forget to
look for me in everything. Count your blessings, but count your heartbreaks,
too, for you will find me there also.
I am learning to trust God with my smiles and my tears. He
is teaching me to not only trust him in every situation, but to even be
thankful in every situation. When I trust that He is present and at work in
both the healing and the hurting, I can be thankful no matter what.
Thank you, Jesus, for today. Thank you for Ezekiel and his
life. Thank you for treating his burns. Thank you for the smiles today as well
as the tears. Thank you for opening my eyes to see you, and thank you for
opening my mouth to praise you in all circumstances.
My prayer tonight is from a song by Christy Nockels titled
“Sing Along”.
Great God,
wrap your arms
around this world tonight,
around the world tonight.
And as you hear our cry,
sing through the night,
and we will join in your song
and sing along.
Sing along.
Through our medical treatment, kind words in broken Swahili,
and gentle touches on the hand and shoulder, may our patients hear us singing
the song of hope – the beautiful hope that is found in Jesus.
...the beautiful hope found in Jesus, we have this hope an anchor for the soul firm & secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, entered on our behalf. Heb 6:19 In bringing many sons to glory it was fitting that God, for whom & through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering..Heb 2:10 xoxmom
ReplyDeleteAshli,
ReplyDeleteI am finding such an amazing view of our Lord through your posts. He truly IS there through the heartache as well as the blessings. When I am at some of my most frightened and lonely times, I am shown His face reflecting in the faces of friends like your mom and dad and others in my life group.
Your posts have brought smiles and tears as I have read these thoughts from your heart. I feel as though I am walking those halls with you and sitting beside the patients because of the words that you write. I truly feel as though I am there. You have such a wonderful gift of writing. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us here. You are God's woman! Love you! Lisa Lancaster
It is a beautiful thing to walk alertly down the daily path He has chosen for us. He is always there. The things you are learning are priceless, and the field he has put you in is very rewarding. But the most important lessons are ones of His character and work. Those are never ending and never changing. I'm so proud of the work our God is doing in you. You are a good vessel! Love you, staci
ReplyDelete