Weakness and Strength

After I hung up the phone, I had a minor freak-out moment. 

Geoffrey had just finished giving me a report about all the infants in our program and how they were doing. Some were in good health, and others...not so much. After hearing it all, I asked myself what I would do if I was the one making decisions in each situation. 

I didn't know what I would do. 

And then I realized that in two weeks when I move to the village, I will begin the ministry that I have been dreaming about for years. With that comes responsibility. I will be the one visiting these children. I will be the one making decisions about their health. And I will face situations where I do not know what to do. There will be signs and symptoms that I do not recognize, diagnoses that I am unable to make. There will be resources that I want, but don't have. 

For a nurse who has studied and trained to be equipped and knowledgable in every situation, that is an unnerving thing. 

So I told the Lord, from my balcony where I watch the stars every night, "God, I don't think I am ready for this. I feel so suddenly incapable and unprepared. I am weak."

And God says, "Perfect." 

As I watched the stars twinkle and the moon shine, I realized something. God is faithful. The night sky seemed to sing it loud and clear. 

If I have an ounce - even the smallest drop - of confidence in myself (of thinking I am capable in some form or fashion), then when something good does happen as a result of my service, I will be able to pat myself on the back and say, "Good job, Ashli. I knew you could do it. You had what it takes, and you did it well."  But if I know that I can do absolutely nothing, then when something good happens as a result of my efforts, it will be only by the grace of God. Then the world will recognize God, not me, as the Strong One, and he will get all the glory. 

It was as if God reminded me: You wanted to bring me glory. To do so, you have to be weak. When you are weak, I am strong. When you are strong, you distract from my greatness. You are tempted to take glory for yourself, and the people around you will misplace my glory on you. You want to bring me glory? Be content and joyful in your weakness. 

And so this week I learned something quite valuable. For God to get the most glory, we have to be weak. 

Therefore, I am now fully resting in the fact that I don't know what I am doing. The nurse in me hates it. But the Christ-follower in me loves it. When I go to the village and am faced with situations where I do not know what to do, I will pray. I will bring each scenario before the Lord and ask him what to do. He will tell me. I will do it. And he will get all the glory. 

I guess that's what it's like to be an instrument in the hands of the master. I literally have no movement on my own, only when I am in his hands. I have no value on my own, only when I am being used by him. I love being such an instrument in such strong, faithful, capable hands. I just put myself in the hands of the Lord, he uses me, and he gets all glory.