Uncertainty, Crossroads, and Settling Sand

I hung my hammock between the shade of two trees, just far enough off the path that I could watch the passerbys while still remaining a little isolated in the public park, which turns miraculously rainforest-like in the wet season. I took off my shoes, and hung my bare feet over the side of the hammock with my Bible and journal in my lap. I set my water bottle and blonde Oreo cookies (a rare treat that I found at the grocery store!) within reaching distance, and I decided that I needed nothing else in that moment to be perfectly content. 

It actually rained a little bit, but I didn't mind because the canopy kept most of the rain out, except for a few heavy droplets that broke through and landed on my head and neck to cool me off. 

It had been a busy week here in the capital city, and I had been spending intentional time every day with specific people to seek their counsel and advice. Some you could call official meetings, but most were just causal conversations over coffee and dinner. Some were arranged in advance, some spur of the moment, and some totally unexpected. I'm at a crossroads, looking left and right and straight ahead and wondering which direction to take. That's why I've been starting off every morning with a cup of tea and an open Bible, asking the Lord for a word from him. Then the rest of the days have been filled with appointments and discussions and random conversations asking for prayer and advice. Oh if only I could be like Elijah, for "the Word of the Lord came to him" and then he would go somewhere and do something exactly according to what God said. I find myself wishing it still worked that way sometimes. 

But then again, I don't. Because as I hung my hammock after all this running around and contemplating the future and the decisions I have to make, I was exhausted. But I realized that being in such a place of the unknown has put me in a position of actively seeking God. Like I've kind of been consumed by pursuing him and hearing from him. And I realize that maybe the whole point of the crossroads is not the final decision, but the pursuit of him in order to get there. It's not about figuring things out, it's about the seeking. It's not about the decision, it's about the journey. 

I still have lots of questions. How do we decipher God's will for us? How do we know for sure that we are hearing his voice? Is God's will even a fixed path, or do we have some freedom to choose? Is his will really even about the future at all, or is he more concerned about how we live here and now wherever we are and whatever we do? 

These are big questions, and I don't have answers, but I have thoughts. And I know that asking these questions and seeking God at my crossroads has brought me closer and deeper into him, and just for that intimacy, it's all worth it. Maybe that's the point of it all.

I swung in my hammock, and I breathed in and out, wondering about the future and trusting instead of fretting. I hummed Britt Nicole's song:

I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust you God with where I am 

And believe that you will have your way 

What we don't know, we probably don't need to know, although we do tend to want to know too much in advance, don't we? I feel like I've been tugging on God's sleeve, begging him to tell me what to do at the crossroad, and he gently and lovingly says, "I will show you when it is time." 

Therefore, be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord. Be still and know that he is God. 

In my hammock, I surrendered my need to know. He will answer my cry for direction and guidance. I've been like a jar of sand and water all shaken up this week as I have run from place to place, seeking and feeling things out, trying to reason in my head and weigh pros and cons and think logically about decisions and their consequences. After being shaken all up, I took this moment in my hammock to sit still, and certain grains of sand began to settle on the bottom of my heart. 

The purpose of uncertainty and crossroads and making decisions is not actually about what you decide to do, but how you arrive there. I think it's less about the end result and a whole lot more about the pursuit of Jesus along the way. It's all about the joy of seeking him, finding him, hearing him, loving him, and trusting him all along the way. It's about the superior sweetness of drawing close to him when you don't know what to do. It's about realizing how steadfast he is when everything else feels uncertain, how unchanging he is when everything else feels unknown. It's amazing how his presence become so supremely valuable when everything else is up in the air.

If God just answered all our questions and gave us specific direction right away, we would never have to passionately and persistently pursue him. Perhaps his silence sometimes is not because he doesn't hear...or care...or know, but because he wants us to seek him. Perhaps he wants us to experience the exceeding joy of drawing close enough to hear his whispers and feel his breath. 

I still don't know what to do at this crossroad. I don't know what's next, but I'm no longer obsessed with figuring it out. In fact, I feel like I've just stopped right here in the middle of the intersection, but my eyes aren't darting back and forth anymore between the different paths before me. Instead, they are fixed on the Lord, patiently and lovingly waiting for him to direct me in his timing. I'm in no hurry, for I don't think he is either. I just know he will answer, he will lead, and he is doing something new.

As the hammock swings and I breathe easy and the grains of sand settle to the bottom of my heart, I know that we can always trust the Lord with all of our crossraods, our decisions, and our what's next questions. Be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord. The best part of every season is the pursuit of him and the satisfying joy of his presence.