The Hard Places

"So are you ready to go back?" 

That's the question of the day everyday for the past little while. It's probably just the easiest and most obvious thing to ask me at this point, but I still have to give my answer based on if I think the person is trying to simply make conversation or if they really want to know. If they are just kindly making conversation, I answer them truthfully and say, "Yes, I am ready." Its true; I am. But for the sake of these few moments, I am going to assume that you really want to know. So my answer might be a little longer. 

Having a heart in two places is a hard blessing. I want to go back to Burkina with a fire in my bones, but I don't want to leave my home of twenty four years. I know God has led me to a season of life in Africa, and I embrace that joyfully yet with hesitation because it's hard to say goodbye to America. Every moment I am in Burkina, I am missing the ones I love in the United States. Yet every moment I am in the U.S., I am missing the ones I love in Burkina. And that's the heart of the matter - I really do love people in both places, and it hurts so good. It brings me to my knees to thank God for blessing me with not just one home, but two. 

Last year around this time, I left for Burkina having no concept of what it would really be like to live there. Everything was new, everything was exciting, everything was bliss. I guess I knew it would be hard, I just didn't know what hard meant. Now, a year later, I do. In some ways, knowing how hard it will be makes it easier to return because I can expect it and prepare for it. And in some ways, it makes it harder because nobody wants to walk right into something hard. 

That's when I had this conversation with God. I was riding my bike, talking out loud, panting, and whining. "Father, I know I sound like a whiner, but I am just afraid because I know how lonely it can be. I know how frustrated and discouraged I can feel. I know how wonderful it is, too, but right now all I can think about it how hard it is to live in Burkina." 

Then his answer: "My child, will you do the hard thing for me? Because you love me?"

In that moment, I remembered. I remembered how he planted a dream in my heart at a young age to be a missionary and how he made that dream come true. I remembered every morning that I woke up and had to pinch myself because I couldn't believe I was actually living in Africa. I remembered how dissettled my heart can be in the comfort of the U.S. because I feel as though I was made for overseas. And I knew my answer. "Of course, I will do what's hard because that's the best way to show you I love you." 

I let out a huge sigh and felt like all of heaven rejoiced with me as I surrendered once again.

You know what the hardest thing for me about living in Burkina is? I really think it's my deep down desire to be a nurse and the fact that I don't get to do that as much as I used to. I don't have a clinic or a hospital to work in. I don't get to do 12 hour shifts. I don't get attention from wearing scrubs or a name tag with Ashli, RN on it. I don't get to make a whole lot of decisions, carry out interventions, or be viewed as a competent, caring nurse. 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I could be more productive somewhere else. 

Sounds harsh, doesn't it? I cringe even writing it, but I am learning something much more valuable. 

God's desire for me to be productive is not near as important as his desire to be glorified. 

In other words, my productivity is not as important as God's glorification. If there was a list, Gods glorification would be at the top. So the real question is not "where can I be most productive?" but rather "where can God best be glorified through me?" 

For me, the answer is obvious. Based on what I have experienced the past year, Burkina Faso is where God will be most glorified in me this coming year. What about you? Where will God be most glorified in you? What hard places are you hesitant to enter, and can you imagine how God might be calling you out on the waves in a storm in order to display his power and glory through you? 

Sometimes God is most glorified through us when we are most productive. Up until now, that was true of my life. Now, God is trying to teach me something different. Something about how his measure of success and productivity is different than mine. Something about how his glory is more important than my productivity. Something like that. I'll let you know when I get it figured out. 

Until then, let's go. Let's go to the hard places because that's where we want his glory to shine.