Ready or Not

Today is the day, I thought when I woke up this morning. 

Moving day. 

 

After three and half months of language study in the capital city of Burkina Faso, Ouagadougou, I am now moving to phase two: village life in my new city. This is the reason I came to Burkina, to live and live and serve among the dagara people group. To offer compassionate nursing care. To provide healing in order to point people to the healer. This is what I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember. And now it's finally here! 

As I hop into my pre-loaded car and start the engine, I find myself asking a question. It's the same question that everyone asks me as soon as they find out I am moving to the village. 

"Are you ready?"

No, not really, I want to say. 

My French isn't perfect. I still struggle with comprehension and ask people to repeat what they said. I am not a perfect nurse. I only have a year and a half of experience in labor and delivery. I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. And I know that I will face situations where I don't know what to do. 

But as I drive through Ouaga and say goodbye to the place I have called home the past few months, I remember everything that God has done for me. He gave me an amazing host family to live life with and teach me the burkinabe culture. He taught me French...just enough to survive, make friends, and talk about Jesus. He gave me a French church and an English speaking church. A French Bible study and an English speaking Bible study. He gave me opportunities to serve as a nurse at a hospital, pediatric clinic, and multiple mobile clinics. He gave me opportunities to serve, plug in, and lead worship. He gave me a youth group and an international community. He gave me n'ice cream runs and sleepovers when I felt lonely. He gave me someone to make me laugh at just the right times when I needed to laugh. 

And I realize that I've made it this far, and it feels like a miracle. And IF I've made it this far, it's only because of one thing. Not because of my own strength, survival skills, or language capacities. It's because of God - it's his grace, provision, and presence. I'm just a branch, hanging on tight to the Vine. 

So I may not feel "ready" because I'm not perfect. Good news - I don't have to be. I know the Perfect One. And I believe with all my heart that he is with me.

It reminds me of Psalm 20:7, which says, "Some trust in chariots and horses. But we trust in the name of the Lord our God." If I were to put it in my own words, I might say, "Some trust in their abilities in language, their experience, their knowledge and skills. But I trust in the name of the Lord my God."

So it's true. I don't know exactly what I am doing. I don't know what my daily life looks like just yet, nor what my ministry will look like. But I do know this: I want to wake up each day and ask God what I am supposed to do. For now, I am supposed to live life with eyes wide open. As a dear friend said to me, "It will be like a highlighter. God will shine a light on who you are supposed to reach out to, invest in, and share Jesus with. It will be plainly clear, just like a highlighter." 

So it's true. I don't know exactly what I am doing, but God has been teaching me that I don't have to do anything on my own. This is good news, because I feel like I could easily mess things up at this point. I am not a fluent French speaker. I am not an experienced nurse. I am kind of new to this whole full time missionary thing. I am not an expert in cross cultural relationships, communication, or evangelism. But this work ahead of me is not mine. It is the Lord's. And it's not just me doing it. It's God and me. It's God in me. We literally have his Spirit inside of us, which means we don't have to do anything on our own. He is our guiding direction - what to do and say, how to respond and act in every situation. He directs our feet where to go, tells our hands who to touch, opens our eyes to whom we need to see, and our mouths to whom we need to speak. 

When I remember these things, I am filled with joy. Confidence in God replaces doubt in myself. Awe and wonder at him replaces my own insecurities. Faith replaces fear. Joy takes over anxiety. Pleasure replaces pressure. 

And suddenly I can't wait to see him at work and be a part of his kingdom mischief. Not as the key player, but as a servant. Sometimes I imagine that I am his employee, asking him for a detailed description of my task and I hear him say, "I have a job for you to do, and I know it well, but I have to teach it to you on the job. It's better that way." 

I heard an analogy this weekend that resonated with my heart. It's like we are in a dark room, pitch black, with a tiny dying flashlight so that we can only see a few steps ahead. But Jesus is there before us, and he knows the way as if he were wearing night vision goggles. He says, "Put on blinders so that all you can see is me when you look in front of you. Now run full speed ahead." 

So ready or not, here I come! Full speed ahead with eyes fixed on Jesus, I am ready to receive all he has to give, and I am ready to give all that he deserves to receive.