What Freedom

"Are you happy?" 

This is my mom's favorite question to ask. In fact, she is kind of known for it around our house. The conversation usually starts with the typical "how are you?" but just being "fine" is never enough. That's why she also always adds, "But are you happy?" I have to admit, we make fun of her for it. But I also have to admit that this week I would have done anything to have her near me to say it. 

It's funny the things that you miss when you are away from home. 

I was thinking one morning about how I would answer her if she were hear to ask me. It's a little hard to say. On one hand, of course I am happy! I am in Africa! I have been dreaming about this life for as long as I can remember, and it is just as marvelous as I knew it would be. At the same time though, I knew something was missing. A genuine happiness. An natural happiness. Something about my happiness felt pushed, forced, and a just a little fake. I know what happiness feels like when it flows out of your spirit freely like a fountain. The happiness I was feeling was more like pumping it out of the dry ground by hand. My happiness was real, but somehow a little forced. 

That's when God asked me a question. I don't claim to hear an audible voice of God, but my heart does know when the Lord is speaking. "Ashli, do you get more joy and pleasure out of serving me or out of simply being in my presence?" That question made everything about my attitude stop dead in its tracks. I knew what was more important, but I was still giving the Martha - not the Mary - answer. 

And at last God revealed to me the secret reason of my discontent: I tend to think that in order to please God I must be always doing something to serve him. 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with serving God (in fact, service is obedience), but there is something terribly wrong with thinking that you have to serve him to gain his pleasure. My sin is self righteousness, and is the stealer of my joy. 

Self righteousness is also in direct opposition to the gospel. The good news of the gospel is that Jesus poured out the full extent of his love to us on the cross. The full extent means it can't get any fuller. When we accept his sacrifice as atonement for our sins and turn our lives around to live for him, he saves us by his grace. It is nothing that we do to earn his forgiveness and love. And there is nothing that we ever could do to make him love us more. I think that's the meaning of "my grace is sufficient for you". We don't have to worry about constantly pleasing him. His grace is enough for that. We serve him because of his pleasure, not in order to gain it. 

And yet that is what I was trying to do. I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn't doing a lot for God. And that's kind of true. I am studying language, not saving lives. I am trying to use words that make sense, and I feel a long way off from sharing the gospel. It's really hot here and I take naps and sleep a lot. And I was feeling bad about it, like I needed to be doing more. 

But that's not where our joy comes from. It doesn't come from doing more, but from being with Jesus more. 

That's when the Lord gave me permission to put my "save the world" mentality away for a season so that I can just be with him. No more pressure to perform. No more American mindset of "let's get over here and get things done". I can be perfectly content in just spending time with him instead of constantly doing things to try to please him. 

What freedom! As the Lord spoke these revelations over me, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. These were different kinds of tears than before. Here were not tears of fear or sadness, but tears of love for the Lord. And I could feel real joy, genuine joy, fountain-flowing joy for the first time. 

I share this personal message with you because I don't think I am the only one who tries to earn God's favor. Let me share something with you: nothing will rob you of your joy like self-righteousness. We need to hear the message of the gospel afresh every day, and it is this: Jesus gave the full extent of his love on the cross, and we don't have to be constantly doing things to please him. His grace saves us, his presence satisfies us, his love sustains us. And out of such love, we will naturally respond in service to him - not to earn his love, but because we have already received its full measure. 

And so we find real joy not primarily in serving him, but primarily by being with him. 

After I received this freedom, I fell in love with Africa all over again. I got in the car right away and drove with the windows rolled down. Nothing could steal my joy, even the things that previously would have bothered me. For example, a guy pulled out in front of me on his bike, and I got terribly, seriously close to hitting him, but I praised God for preventing an accident, and I was even thankful for how crazy and fun the traffic of the big city is. Two minutes later, the police pulled me over for no reason except to see my paperwork, which was all in order, and I praised God for a working, registered vehicle and the ability to have a small french coversation. 

C'est la vie! This is the life, so we say here in Burkina Faso. 

When I pulld to a stop at my destination, I was greeted by a lady with a huge basket of red ripe strawberries on her head. You don't know what a good strawberry tastes like until you have had one from Burkina. I bought a kilo and ate half of it right then and there all by myself. I didn't even wash them, which I might regret later. The Lord knows how much I love strawberries, and those were a gift from him - a reminder of how much I love being here.

And if I die tomorrow from unwashed strawberries, know that it was completely worth it. I died free from self righteousness. And tell my mom that I was happy!